January 11, 2019

The Farewell Concert

January 11, 2019

The Farewell Concert

In honour of a Shoarma-To-Burn legend

Sideburnin’ basstard

Who cares about Metallica, about U2 or even about Led Zeppelin or Black Sabbath? When you heard the true heavy rock stuff by Shoarma To Burn, you can forget about these bands. They started out somewhere in 2003. Drawing enormous crowds, appearing live on MTV and selling millions of albums. Sideburnin’ Basstard stood at the forefront of it all.

His last gig with the band was legendary. Not only did he trash his bass guitar hard every time he stood on stage, he was one of the driving forces behind this band of burning crack-heads. After 15 years of trashing Rolling Stone was the first to announce Basstard and the band were splitting up. But not without a final farewell concert in his honour. Burn in Rock’nRoll hell, you Basstard!

In honour of a Shoarma-To-Burn legend

Sideburnin’ basstard

Who cares about Metallica, about U2 or even about Led Zeppelin or Black Sabbath? When you heard the true heavy rock stuff by Shoarma To Burn, you can forget about these bands. They started out somewhere in 2003. Drawing enormous crowds, appearing live on MTV and selling millions of albums. Sideburnin’ Basstard stood at the forefront of it all.

His last gig with the band was legendary. Not only did he trash his bass guitar hard every time he stood on stage, he was one of the driving forces behind this band of burning crack-heads. After 15 years of trashing Rolling Stone was the first to announce Basstard and the band were splitting up. But not without a final farewell concert in his honour. Burn in Rock’nRoll hell, you Basstard!

In honour of a Shoarma-To-Burn legend

Sideburnin’ basstard

Who cares about Metallica, about U2 or even about Led Zeppelin or Black Sabbath? When you heard the true heavy rock stuff by Shoarma To Burn, you can forget about these bands. They started out somewhere in 2003. Drawing enormous crowds, appearing live on MTV and selling millions of albums. Sideburnin’ Basstard stood at the forefront of it all.

His last gig with the band was legendary. Not only did he trash his bass guitar hard every time he stood on stage, he was one of the driving forces behind this band of burning crack-heads. After 15 years of trashing Rolling Stone was the first to announce Basstard and the band were splitting up. But not without a final farewell concert in his honour. Burn in Rock’nRoll hell, you Basstard!

The countdown has begun

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meet the farewell band

Bad Motherfucker

Singer Bad Motherfucker began his days in rehab, hitting absolute rock bottom when he was sued by twelve different women claiming he was the father of their child. His only reaction was: “I only date super models, so how on earth could you possibly carry my child, bitch?” Over the years his legendary band Shoarma to Burn has grown larger. Larger in weird ass mofos that is. “To tough to handle, they’re getting out of control” some promotors claim. But that’s no worry of his: “It’s when the band is at it’s most brutal, our music rocks the world. If it’s pure lust the people come for, that’s what they’ll get!”

Long Blond Animal

Natazja Rubelinsky a.k.a. Long Blond Animal started out at some low life back alley bar in the darker parts of Moscow collecting money while seducing every man she came across. Most of the time they didn’t even know it happened, a slippery one indeed. One night, while singing at ClubBeluga, she met some hotshot Motherfucker who invited her to tour with him while waving around his lollypops. It took her about one minute to say “Da” and leave her pathetic low life husband and two irritatingly nagging kids for a life of milk & honey. And this band of mofos she joined? She can handle them like kiddies in a…”

Ruffles McFeathers

In a past life this pussy-loving furball shelved books in a public library while masturbating to erotic poems by Vladimir Nabokov (who the F?). When his manhood felt like taffy on a hot summer’s day, he quit his job to pursue his only lifelong dream: banging his head and banging his groupies. Some dare to call him the nightingale of his generation. But don’t tell him so right to his face because he’ll punch you square in the nut sack, roll you over and shove something up there that shouldn’t be used for such a tiny spot. Just call him Ruffles McFeathers. That’s how you’ll get him purring.

Slowhand Zoran

Guitar player Slowhand Zoran was pulled off stage by Interpol during the last tour for his alleged role in the Balkan wars. Tipped off by Zoran’s nosy 113 year old senile neighbour, they discovered a giant shredder in the woods behind his house. Inside forensics found blood samples with at least 23 different DNA strains, but his involvement was never proven. Once more Zoran dodged the bullet… Legend has it his eyesight is sharp enough to vaporise adamantium. His comrades (some of the world’s finest dictators) mainly value his ability to ‘have their problems vanish from the face of the earth’.

Ronny 2Tones

After being kicked out of the womb by his twin brother Keith he grew up traveling through many countries surviving only on his keyboard and some stuffed biscuits. One night, after a brief encounter with a pack of wild chick(en)s at some crazy party in Namibia, he met his ugly ass soul brother in a cesspool of dope sniffing Ovamboos. They wreaked havoc on the place, shared some chicks and never left each others side ever again. Not even for a shit. It is said 2Tones only touches black or white keys, probably on behalf of his spilt personality. Though there is no physical evidence anyone ever heard him play at all…

The Saxiest Man Alive

Slick Nick (as he used to be called) started out his career as a stand in for Brad Pitt on Fight Club and Face on The A-team. Due to a helicopter accident on set his face got messed up and he punctured a lung. Not really a slick move, Nick. Major surgery was needed, during which he traveled through the gates of hell and back. Hence his love for burnin’ flesh probably. Luckily for the band he pulled through with a spectacular new gift. Because of the mishap his lungs miraculously grew larger with incredible capacity. He picked up the baritone and now he’s “on fire”. It earned him his new Nickname: Nick a.k.a. ’The Saxiest Man Alive’!

Hammer-On Hine

Hammer-On Hine is notorious for his loudness. “You play that amp on full volume or you don’t play it at fuckin’ all” His sound is as subtle as an drunk plumber during a stag party. Which got him banned from almost every venue in the world, repeatedly. When Hammer-on Hine’s management reached out to some former bandmates their only reply was ‘Hи?’ Rumour has it, bandmates and fans have ringing ears so bad it’s almost perceptible to the ear. After years in hiding from the many injury claims and playing his one-man band he returns for one last earth shattering performance that wil leave his audience… deaf probably.

The Kiss Guy

The Kiss Guy appeared after the mysterious ‘suicide’ of drummer Suicide Drumstick. Even though Gene Simmons is internationally recognised for having rock & roll’s longest tongue, the Guinness World Record holder is in fact no other than The Kiss Guy. But it’s not his mouth, but his hands that made him famous. Well, one hand and one robotic arm really. It’s said he lost one arm after he worked his drumming magic on Dutch TV-personality and public serpent Patty Brard once. The experience changed him. His murderous rage is only tempered by feeding him some eighty year old Scotch whisky mixed with orange juice. Drummers be loco.

Juicy Jill & Gaga Gijsha

Besides singing being the real love of her life, Juicy Jill has never been one to wander lonely. Perhaps because she and ‘the band’ have that love-hate relationship going on. And we all now how that goes: after a good fight it’s kiss and make up time! Maybe that’s why she and Gaga Gijsha are so close. After a gig one night Gijsha got so waisted he went to see a Vietnamese veterinarian who didn’t ask questions and had him perform a sex change operation on him. Now he’s a man in a woman’s body. Her new motto: “Why have one if you can have the best of both worlds?” Their goal in music? To please the audience to happy endings!

R.S.V.P.

Datum: Vrijdag 11 januari 2019
Tijdstip: 20:30
Lokatie: Cafe De Zwaan – Heeswijk Dinther

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